Kim Kardashian gets one big banana.

// June 11th, 2010 // No Comments » // Where's the Beef

In their Hot Pics section, Us Weekly posted this pic of a gorilla handing Kim Kardashian a banana with the caption “Kim Goes Ape!”. Yeah, so I wrote something after that last sentence but it was so horrifically offensive that I looked my at laptop and hid behind the couch. Then I erased it. So, um, man look at that banana! Did you know that “banana” is the common name for herbaceous plants of the genus Musa and for the fruit they produce? They’re good in pancakes, with ice cream, and they’re also a source of fiber for high quality textiles! Wow, what can’t the banana do?! Hey, banana! Look at you go!

Widow of actor David Carradine suing film company.

// June 4th, 2010 // No Comments » // Where's the Beef

‘Kill Bill’ star David Carradine died exactly a year ago today-and his wife Anne Carradine thinks the production company of the movie he was filming at the time is to blame, according to TMZ who obtained a copy of the suit. Carradine was in Bangkok filming ‘Stretch’ when he was found dead in a closet in his hotel room.

According to the documents, Carradine, 72, was supposed to meet the director of the movie for dinner. The actor was assigned an assistant who was responsible for his schedule and transportation.

When the assistant called Carradine to pick him up for dinner, the actor didn’t answer and the assistant left for dinner without him. When Carradine finally reached the assistant an hour later he was told, “they were already across town and… would have to make his own arrangements that evening.”

In the wrongful-death lawsuit filed against French production company MS2 S.A., Anne Carradine states that her husband would not have died if the company had provided him with “all the best amenities” and “sufficient assistance” while in Bangkok.

Carradine’s official cause of death was ruled accidental asphyxiation by a medical examiner hired by the family who did a private autopsy last year.

FEDS so desperate they’ve started consulting Hollywood to clean up Oil spill.

// June 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // Where's the Beef

Federal officials are hoping film director James Cameron can help them come up with ideas on how to stop the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Really?

The “Avatar” and “Titanic” director was among a group of scientists and other experts who met Tuesday with officials from the Environmental Protection Agency and other federal agencies for a brainstorming session on stopping the massive oil leak.

The Canadian-born Cameron is considered an expert on underwater filming and remote vehicle technologies.

“Avatar” and “Titanic” are the two highest-grossing films of all time.

They failed to mention “The Abyss”, so at least the man has more oil industry expertise than anybody else these brainiacs can call in.

In other news, Luis Guzman has been called in to consult with Gen. Petraeus about Afghanistan, and Ben Affleck has been tapped to direct the space program.

Fetish website claims to have info on Lindsay Lohan’s movie ‘Inferno’

// June 1st, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Where's the Beef

A guy that runs a fetish website claims to have read the screenplay to Inferno, the Linda Lovelace biopic starring Lindsay Lohan. To reiterate, he runs a fetish site. After he read it, he had to sleep with a night light. Page Six reports:

Lindsay Lohan will be thoroughly degraded as “Deep Throat” porn star Linda Lovelace in the controversial upcoming movie “Inferno,” according to Aerik Von, an employee of fetish Web site deadlydommes.com who claims to have read the screenplay. Calling it akin to a “Lifetime horror film,” Von told The Post’s Mandy Stadtmiller that Lovelace’s former husband, the legendarily brutal Chuck Traynor, is depicted as psychologically and physically torturing Lohan’s character… But some of the sexual acts in the film, written and directed by Matthew Wilder, are so rough, it’s hard to imagine the movie making it to theaters in its current form no matter who plays Lovelace, Von said. “Traynor kicks her to a pulp,” Von says. “She’s made to say terrible things about herself while in the middle of sex acts. After her boyfriend assaults her, he kisses her bruises and asks, ‘Does this feel good?’ “Von added, “It’s very sensational. There are not so much plot devices as shock tactics.” Before Traynor turns Lovelace into a hooker, he forces her into a gang-rape scenario with several businessmen — one of whom hums a tune from “Mary Poppins” while fondling her breast. Von says, “The movie’s obviously designed to just outright disturb [with] the combination of childhood imagery and absolute outright depraved perversions.”

Ok, so yeah. This movie will never get made. If it does, it will never see the inside of a theater. Maybe they should make Linda Lovelace a blonde college student who wants to to travel through Eastern Europe. Moviegoers seem to like that. Bulgaria sounds like a lot of fun until your organs are sold.

Old Italian (Scorsese) wants Old Italians to play Dead Italians.

// May 25th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Where's the Beef

Marty Scorsese has a lot of rumored projects on his plate, including The Irishman and a 3D adaptation of The Invention of Hugo Cabret, but while promoting Shutter Island in India recently, he dropped some bigger news. Why, I read it, and den I get-a so happy, one-a mama’s a-meatballs squirt-a right inna my lap! (*grabs crotch*) Look, mama’s-a meatball, she land-a right-a here! (*gesticulates wildly, smokes cigarettes*)

The conversation veers towards his plans to do a film on the life of Frank Sinatra. “I’ve had it in mind for a long time. Even the initial script is ready. I’m yet to spot the actor who can bring back Frank Sinatra alive on screen. My choice is Al Pacino, and Robert De Niro as Dean Martin.”